Going Nuts. Want to Give Up.

I quit caffeine, nicotine, crap foods, red meat (maybe once a week)… But why? Why am I choking down 2 liters of water a day? Supplements, vitamins, greens, upped veggies and fruits, royal jelly…blah blah blah. WHY???!!!!! is there ANY guarantee this crap is going to make a difference on our 2nd cycle? Hellllllllll no it doesn’t. Is a Dr.Pepper and a Big Mac going to ruin our chances at conceiving? Doubtful.
But do I give in to every possible Chinese or tree hugging philosophy? Yep. Does it convince me? No. Do I hope it helps? Sure. Do I WANT to do all this? Not at all! Why should I have to? Hundreds, thousands, hell, possibly millions of women are getting knocked up while they throw back a few tall boys, suck down shots of Jameson, smoke some crack, weed, whatever.

And. They. Still. Get. Pregnant.

I’m just starting to 2nd guess everything I do before I do it. But why? Nobody really knows. Well, women who want a baby knows why. Even if it doesn’t work I guess I can be “happy” knowing that I gave it my all. At the same time I will probably be beyond pissed if it doesn’t work. I envision a negative result being read to me over the phone followed by me slamming phone (well very angrily pressing the “end call” button” followed by a 48 hour cuss word and tears festival as to why I believed eating all of that crap would help. Why I gave up anything somewhat enjoyable for this. Point is- no matter what I vaginally, orally, or subcutaneously put in my body,
chances are at my age it’s out of my hands.
I’ve tried to put together questions for my doctor for the next appointment, but why? He’s gonna nod and try to break stuff down in layman’s terms. And even though he probably won’t answer my question I’m gonna shut up and pretend he did so I don’t look dumb. Don’t get me wrong, my doctor is a very nice man and does not seem like some arrogant jerk who doesn’t care. I’m sure he does. I just don’t know how to relay “DO WHATEVER THE #%€¥ you have to to make this happen!!!” Without looking crazy. It all boils down to the million dollar question of will it work. If it doesn’t, there isn’t an answer always. I’m already betting that he will say embryo quality or failure to implant. Ummmm…DUH. But why? I’m never going to get that answer. So here I sit with a wall of supplements and water around me praying this is worth it. To be honest, I want to throw it ALL into the damn street and just give up. I can’t take it most days to be honest. I feel like my failure to have kids leaves my husband sitting there wishing he had kids. Ya know? Like, “Sorry honey but you deserve a woman who can give you what you deserve.” Of course my husband says for better or for worse and all of that but it doesn’t take the pain away. The burden I feel on my shoulders. He shouldn’t have to bare it. He shouldn’t have to look at all of these fertility bills stacking up. And for what? We don’t know yet. Maybe we just lit a match to all of his hard earned money. It’s this kind of stress that makes me want to give up. It’s thinking about another failed IVF cycle that makes me want to give up. But I can’t. I truly want a child of my own. I want my husband to look down into the eyes of his child. Is that wrong? Yeah we can adopt (not really because this IVF crap will leave us in a financial spot where adoption won’t be possible until funds come back). I really could scream. I want to give up. But I can’t. But I want to. But I won’t. I am not happy and wish I could find that part of me again. That part of me that was SO hopeful and excited for our first IVF cycle. That hope of walking around wondering if I was pregnant. Not next time. Not even going there. Why build up for nothing? I feel helpless no matter how hard I try. I feel sorry for my husband because there is nothing he can do (other then find a fertile woman). I cry often and laugh very little, if any lately. I don’t hate life and have no desire to “end it all”. Please don’t get me wrong on that. But at the same time I don’t see the point in carrying on a life I didn’t choose. Not dying. Just living a life I don’t want. Everything I have done or chosen is for the life I want. Yet I still don’t have it. Half there. Have the husband who’d do anything for me, great friends, supportive family, adorable pets, roof over my head. But you know what’s missing? Yea. Me too. That is the ONLY thing that keeps me from 100% giving up. Almost half way there on that too though.

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