Feeling Normal

Only 2 weeks until stims start. Very proud of myself for not googling or obsessing the “what ifs” this time. Just going with the flow (hopefully there is no flow next month). My calm approach or plan of action this time was to get back to writing my book. Fortunately, I have been way too busy with my photography business to go there. So yay for that!! I even managed to get through a few newborn sessions without wanting to cry or throw up with jealousy. That’s a HUGE step for me. Honestly, I don’t even care about the upcoming attempt. Whatever happens will happen for a reason. I am definitely more calm this time around and understand the whole process. Of course I’ll be a total miserable jerk if we get our 2nd BFN, but from there our focus will be adoption. So whatever. Yes I want to give birth to my own child but more than anything I just want to have a child as my own. So I guess I just feel normal these days. The last time I endured 2 weeks of pure depression. For what? It didn’t change anything. All I did by being miserable was waste 2 weeks of life I can’t go back and relive. We all have crappy days but I have to believe an especially good day will come my way eventually. I feel optimistic but realistic. I was so sure it’d work the 1st time. This time, I am sure it’ll work too (maybe) but I refuse to let the first failure shape my way of thinking this time. A negative approach is no good. So if it works (hope so) then YAY!! If it doesn’t, well #@*€ it… We’ll adopt. Either way, someday I will do a newborn photo session of our child.