Transfer complete S.O.B.

So after our “great numbers and results” the doctor felt for some reason that 3dt of 2 embryos (1 8 cell and 1 7 cell both grade 3) was best so here I lay on the couch PISSED OFF that it wasn’t a 5 day transfer. So whatever. The TWW begins and I am a grumpy %#^*€.
Oh- and I ate some skanky White Castle on the way home.


Zero raised

While we are not “poor” or struggling, fertility expenses have stacked up and we have one more try at a fresh IVF cycle. Hopefully a few embryos make it to freeze so we have 1-maybe 2 more chances. Not holding our breath but it’s worth the sliver of hope. Planning ahead, we will adopt if all of this fails. Maybe that is what we are meant to do. Small problem…adoption is not free. It would take us some time to save up the funds for such a blessing. In a meek attempt I came up with a few shirts on In 3 weeks we have sold ZERO. It breaks my heart. Not one. Zero. I know everybody has their own problems but I had this small voice in my head saying “if they can buy Starbucks everyday or spend $200 on a purse, surely they have $20 to buy a shirt and help us with our goal.” I was wrong. Maybe people are sick of seeing my posts about trying to find lost dogs or trying to have a baby. Maybe they have hidden me from their newsfeed cuz I’m not posting a bunch of fun stuff or I am simply posting too much. After these thoughs, I have socially withdrawn myself. I don’t have anything fun to talk about. I don’t think bad about anybody not buying the shirt-don’t get me wrong… I’m just sad. Sad beyond words that I just can’t picture anything working out for us. Maybe we weren’t meant to be parents? I don’t know. That’s how I feel at this point in time. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Still not giving up though. Just running out of ideas to keep me motivated. Patience is a virtue. But I have been sitting in that virtue for years now. I will be 40 in August. Slightly freaked.

Egg hunts

Is it just me that gets sad looking at everybody’s Facebook and Twitter posts of their adorable kids dressed in Sunday’s best hunting for eggs? I wish my egg hunts consisted of cute kids and wandering through a field vs. dildo cams, injections, and needle retrieval. Maybe it was the landslide of pictures that fell on my lap, of said cute kids waking to their awesome Easter baskets, that made me sad when I opened my browser. All I know is when we DO have a child… He/she shall be spoiled rotten on such occasions. Until then, I shall mope and wish that were me.
Today marks the day of a miracle. A man who died on a cross for our sins rose from the dead and made many people believers. I believe. I just don’t always understand. Thank you God for my family, friends, and everything I may have to be happy for. I may not have a baby yet but I am thankful to be alive and bitching about it. I just pray that we may have our own miracle some day.


No different than any of you

Scrolling through everybody’s blogs I can’t help but notice how we are all the same. Maybe I’m different in one way. I’m negative. I’ve tried the positive approach and it didn’t help the first IVF. Am I the only one? I’ve prayed and pictured myself pregnant. That didn’t work. A friend suggested I manifest my positive outcome by doing something like prepare the nursery. I’m just so afraid to look at an empty pointless room if it doesn’t work. Even the doctor said I have to believe but I tried that. It is so hard to not focus on the negative “what ifs”.
I’ve spent numerous hours googling discussion boards and obsess over things I could do that would help our success rate increase. After talking to the doctor he pretty much said that while they did get the BFP, chances are it is mere coincidence vs. a result of…..
So what do I do different? Nothing. All I can do is hope and make healthy choices for my body and create the “perfect” place for a baby to grow. Does anybody have advice on how to get past the negativity? I pray pray pray. I know God has a plan but seriously…I am 39!!! How old does he want me to be? Is his plan for us to go broke trying? Or is he trying to tell us to quit spending all of our money on fertility because we aren’t meant to be parents? These questions may be answered. I don’t know. All I know is that I am grasping at straws and terrified of the IVF #2 outcome. If we get another BFN I don’t know what we will do. A fundraiser to raise money for another go around with donor eggs? Or do we move on to private adoption?
In regards to adoption, I understand all children deserve a home but we prefer an infant. Mainly because I want to have the chance to grow with that child and be known as
Mom. I want the chance to stay up all night and pull my hair out from no sleep. I want to watch that child take it’s first steps, smile for the first time, say it’s first words. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. As for now, all I can do is hope my husband and I are capable of creating a life. I will try to remain positive over the course of the next 3 months before my stims start and the excitement and hustle of all of my appointments keeping me too busy to think. I will also blog about it to people I don’t know. My main point of this blog adventure- to understand that I am normal and no different from any of you. Maybe along the way I will find my answer of “how to” from women who have come so very close to giving up before they got their miracle.