9dp3dt

20140812-102956-37796217.jpg
Still faint but still there. Could this be the real thing? Am I going to make it to Friday without losing my effin gourd over this??? GAHHHHHHHH
I keep analyzing the pic and holding it, tilting it, and just still in disbelief. I won’t believe it til I hear a good beta result. I’m so afraid to get my hopes up. The husband got super excited and then pulled his guard back up and said he’s going crazy for Friday too. He said that’s all he could think about while driving around at work. While handcuffing somebody he said he had it in his head. He’s a hot mess like me and we just want an official “everything is okay” which we won’t believe until we are at LEAST 12 weeks along. Hell, we may not believe it until we’re in the delivery room. For all that is holy and good… PLEASE let this be a BFP. After the 1st IVF failed I can honestly say I didn’t have a whole lot of confidence going into round 2. Ugh.
(Chewing my fingers)

For the love of acne

20140809-233020-84620814.jpg

3 days ago my skin was beautiful. Then BOOM zits, bumps, pimples, everywhere on my chest and randomly all over on face. I could cry. I didn’t even have it this bad when I hit puberty. Had zero of this on 1st cycle. I’m not vain but I don’t dig lookin like this either. Just cried and basically had mini melt down on way to bed. Hubby tried to reassure me I was still beautiful. Bless his heart but I told him he better run before I punched his mouth said something mean. OMG when will this garbage stop??? Has the devil progesterone done this to any of you?? I
HATE
THESE
MEDS
6 DAYS TIL BETA!!!!

6dp3dt WHY did I POAS???

Dumb is the only word I can think of. “Of course it’s too early” is what I keep telling myself as I held the BFN in my hand. “Wait is that a line turning the subtraction sign into a + ?” No it’s just my eyes going crossed as I stand on the bathroom sink holding the pee pee wand at an angle between the sunlight and the light above sink. Ho hum. It’s too early. But I read SO MANY women getting the “faintest of faint” or “squinter” lines and figured I’d be just as lucky. And even knowing all this I am still bummed out.
😦
So do I hold out now or do I POAS everyday until beta?
The jury is out still.

4dp3dt

20140807-155726-57446154.jpg
I have cramps (nothing major but irritating and uncomfortable for sure)
Acne on my chest???????? W….T…….F
TMI alert— constipated.
Do I feel like this worked? Nope
Am I being a negative Nancy? Yes…but then I have random bouts of “oh happy happy joy joy maybe it worked this time”
I’m not symptom checking because I KNOW it means diddly squat.
8 more days til beta and I’m doubtful. Hopeful… But doubtful.
I refuse to POAS because I’ll just lose complete hope if it’s negative. If it’s positive- it could be false. So why even go there. But man I really want to!!!
Crap. Come on August 15th!!!!
And I have a wedding to photo shoot the next day so I really hope I don’t get shitty news.
That. Would. Blow.
Thankfully I have cute animals to hug in the meantime.

Transfer complete S.O.B.

So after our “great numbers and results” the doctor felt for some reason that 3dt of 2 embryos (1 8 cell and 1 7 cell both grade 3) was best so here I lay on the couch PISSED OFF that it wasn’t a 5 day transfer. So whatever. The TWW begins and I am a grumpy %#^*€.
Oh- and I ate some skanky White Castle on the way home.

20140803-163605-59765398.jpg

“Was” Feeling Normal

Haven’t even started the stims and already I have issues. This round of oral BC has me bloated, cramping, and miserable. Now for the TMI…. I am spotting with a whole week’s worth of active pills to take yet. Called and RN said yadda yadda breakthrough spotting. Mkay. Why? Same stuff I took last time and didn’t have this 😦
This better not be a sign of shit goin South already.

Feeling Normal

Only 2 weeks until stims start. Very proud of myself for not googling or obsessing the “what ifs” this time. Just going with the flow (hopefully there is no flow next month). My calm approach or plan of action this time was to get back to writing my book. Fortunately, I have been way too busy with my photography business to go there. So yay for that!! I even managed to get through a few newborn sessions without wanting to cry or throw up with jealousy. That’s a HUGE step for me. Honestly, I don’t even care about the upcoming attempt. Whatever happens will happen for a reason. I am definitely more calm this time around and understand the whole process. Of course I’ll be a total miserable jerk if we get our 2nd BFN, but from there our focus will be adoption. So whatever. Yes I want to give birth to my own child but more than anything I just want to have a child as my own. So I guess I just feel normal these days. The last time I endured 2 weeks of pure depression. For what? It didn’t change anything. All I did by being miserable was waste 2 weeks of life I can’t go back and relive. We all have crappy days but I have to believe an especially good day will come my way eventually. I feel optimistic but realistic. I was so sure it’d work the 1st time. This time, I am sure it’ll work too (maybe) but I refuse to let the first failure shape my way of thinking this time. A negative approach is no good. So if it works (hope so) then YAY!! If it doesn’t, well #@*€ it… We’ll adopt. Either way, someday I will do a newborn photo session of our child.