Sweet 16

I made it this far. 16 weeks. But when does the worrying stop? The wondering if there is still another little heartbeat inside of me. Met with the therapist at OB practice. She was a flake. Did me ZERO good. She was lame. I honestly question what degree she holds. She asked me random questions about family members and husband and how we met, what I do for a living, blah blah blah. I managed to say in one sentence how the anxiety consumes me. We didn’t really discuss it past that. She handed me a shit CD to listen to and said to practice the exercise in it once daily. How bout you blow me once daily. (Sorry but honestly speaking my mind here).
Anywho…. Happy that I’m in a position to worry about being pregnant but not happy that I cannot let go and just enjoy this moment. Am I crazy? Until then I will snuggle my pug and hope for the best that baby is doing good. UGH

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Weekly update- WEEK 13

How far along: 13w3d

Baby’s size: approx. 3″ long. About the size of a peach. (I assume they mean balled up? Or maybe the length of a peach? I’ve eaten peaches much bigger than this.

Total weight gain: have no clue. Last appointment at 10 weeks I was up 3.4lbs from where I was when I left IVF doctor. I don’t own a scale. Never have. I go by inches. And so far I’m doing pretty ok. I’m sure that shit will change some day. Until then, enjoying the minor bloat? Poof? Tummy? Intestines migrating north to make room for uterus? Hell I don’t know.

Maternity clothes: Nope. Been managing with hair ties and belly bands. My favorite wardrobe choice= adorbs shirt with jacket or cardigan combo/or long sweater and my favorite rider boots over a pair of comfy stretch pants. Time to go buy more boots :))) darn.

Stretch marks: so far so good. If it happens, I’ll be researching laser correction. Not really the vain type but I do prefer bikinis. And don’t get me wrong- I will cherish each and every mark this baby gives me (for the short time I decide to keep those marks)

Sleep: I fall out in less than 2 minutes but wake up 2-3 times to pee. For the most part I sleep 8-10 hours but sometimes I can’t get back to sleep once my eyes open.Woke up at 5:45 on Saturday morning and that was it. Up all day till 11.

Symptoms/Feeling: tired “ish” but nothing too crazy. No nausea or morning sickness–just the occassional awesome dry heave. And speaking of feeling…. I CANNOT feel my fundus!! Is there a fundus amongus? I know how to and what to feel for but can’t find it!!!! Another bullet to add to the “Why Tina Worries” list. Am I the only one?

Best moment of this week: doctor appointment in 2 days- I’m sure that will be my highlight as I hope to be reassured that the heart is still beating. I’m sick with worry. 2nd moment- signing papers for liquor license for the new bar and grill I’m opening. Yay!!!

Miss anything: buttoning my silver jeans and not being scared to have sex or the big “O”. Don’t ask me why. I know that doc said fine but I’m still nervous and apprehensive. Gve in to hubs once. Thank God he is patient and understands my anxiety.

Movement: I’m sure the babe is cutting a rug in there but I doubt I feel it. Every once in awhile I feel a blurb but I’ll chalk it up to gas :0

Food cravings: Italiano. All. Day. Everyday. Maybe some Mexican food in between. (And fruity pebbles). Hell I want everything.

Anything making you queasy or sick: just my ultra sensitive gag reflex. No nausea to warn me it’s coming though. Just a certain smell or for no reason at all I’ll dry heave for a second and feel fine afterwards. Weird

Have you started to show yet: not really. Can’t wait to though- maybe it would reassure me that things are moving along appropriately? Doubtful hah!

Gender: It’s a mystery still. Debating on finding out through chromosome test. Hubby thinks ultrasound would be more exciting for the reveal. Personally, I wanna know what to start shopping for!!!! Well, when I feel less scared about this then I’ll start shopping.

Labor signs: ummmmm no

Belly button in or out: In, and reallllllly hoping it stays that way. Eeeewwww

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Those who know me say I’m moody but honestly I think I’m overall happy with a dash of fear and anxiety. Husband says I just seem more sensitive and cry more. Not like a mad or sad cry- like a “oh wow that commercial for Kleenex was so sweet” kinda cry.

Looking forward to: Actually showing and being less worried about this pregnancy ending. When will it end??!!

Purchases for baby: A handful of Dr.Seuss books and stuffed animals to go with the Seuss themed nursery 🙂 a friend of ours does interior design and I am SO excited to see what she comes up with. Just got a beautiful solid wood/ painted white armoire to go in there. How much? FREE!!! Gotta love friends. And speaking of purchases- I hope they make a toast costume for babies because hubby and I are bacon and eggs this year for Halloween. Next year we shall add toast 🙂

6dp3dt WHY did I POAS???

Dumb is the only word I can think of. “Of course it’s too early” is what I keep telling myself as I held the BFN in my hand. “Wait is that a line turning the subtraction sign into a + ?” No it’s just my eyes going crossed as I stand on the bathroom sink holding the pee pee wand at an angle between the sunlight and the light above sink. Ho hum. It’s too early. But I read SO MANY women getting the “faintest of faint” or “squinter” lines and figured I’d be just as lucky. And even knowing all this I am still bummed out.
😦
So do I hold out now or do I POAS everyday until beta?
The jury is out still.

“Was” Feeling Normal

Haven’t even started the stims and already I have issues. This round of oral BC has me bloated, cramping, and miserable. Now for the TMI…. I am spotting with a whole week’s worth of active pills to take yet. Called and RN said yadda yadda breakthrough spotting. Mkay. Why? Same stuff I took last time and didn’t have this 😦
This better not be a sign of shit goin South already.

New Chapters. Literally.

As much as my life is consumed by the thought of babies, baby making, dildo cams, self inflicted injections, and forgetting to shave before ultrasounds, I am trying to make use of my down time before IVF#2 by writing my book. A book that has nothing to do with babies or baby making. An escape from reality. A different place, different people, and a time other than my now. I needed a different goal to focus on and this one has been stewing for long enough.
My second goal, to figure out why the hell I don’t have a gravatar after copious attempts. Alas I shall remain the cubed checker square. Pfft. Enjoy the weekend and find something else to occupy your mind. It seems to be helping me (kind of).

Egg hunts

Is it just me that gets sad looking at everybody’s Facebook and Twitter posts of their adorable kids dressed in Sunday’s best hunting for eggs? I wish my egg hunts consisted of cute kids and wandering through a field vs. dildo cams, injections, and needle retrieval. Maybe it was the landslide of pictures that fell on my lap, of said cute kids waking to their awesome Easter baskets, that made me sad when I opened my browser. All I know is when we DO have a child… He/she shall be spoiled rotten on such occasions. Until then, I shall mope and wish that were me.
Today marks the day of a miracle. A man who died on a cross for our sins rose from the dead and made many people believers. I believe. I just don’t always understand. Thank you God for my family, friends, and everything I may have to be happy for. I may not have a baby yet but I am thankful to be alive and bitching about it. I just pray that we may have our own miracle some day.
HAPPY EASTER!!!!

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No different than any of you

Scrolling through everybody’s blogs I can’t help but notice how we are all the same. Maybe I’m different in one way. I’m negative. I’ve tried the positive approach and it didn’t help the first IVF. Am I the only one? I’ve prayed and pictured myself pregnant. That didn’t work. A friend suggested I manifest my positive outcome by doing something like prepare the nursery. I’m just so afraid to look at an empty pointless room if it doesn’t work. Even the doctor said I have to believe but I tried that. It is so hard to not focus on the negative “what ifs”.
I’ve spent numerous hours googling discussion boards and obsess over things I could do that would help our success rate increase. After talking to the doctor he pretty much said that while they did get the BFP, chances are it is mere coincidence vs. a result of…..
So what do I do different? Nothing. All I can do is hope and make healthy choices for my body and create the “perfect” place for a baby to grow. Does anybody have advice on how to get past the negativity? I pray pray pray. I know God has a plan but seriously…I am 39!!! How old does he want me to be? Is his plan for us to go broke trying? Or is he trying to tell us to quit spending all of our money on fertility because we aren’t meant to be parents? These questions may be answered. I don’t know. All I know is that I am grasping at straws and terrified of the IVF #2 outcome. If we get another BFN I don’t know what we will do. A fundraiser to raise money for another go around with donor eggs? Or do we move on to private adoption?
In regards to adoption, I understand all children deserve a home but we prefer an infant. Mainly because I want to have the chance to grow with that child and be known as
Mom. I want the chance to stay up all night and pull my hair out from no sleep. I want to watch that child take it’s first steps, smile for the first time, say it’s first words. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. As for now, all I can do is hope my husband and I are capable of creating a life. I will try to remain positive over the course of the next 3 months before my stims start and the excitement and hustle of all of my appointments keeping me too busy to think. I will also blog about it to people I don’t know. My main point of this blog adventure- to understand that I am normal and no different from any of you. Maybe along the way I will find my answer of “how to” from women who have come so very close to giving up before they got their miracle.

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Batter Up

Waiting out 2 cycles continuing my new approach to wise health choices. No smoking, supplements, better diet, exercise (even though it am a healthy weight) to give ourselves a “better” chance at round 2 of IVF. Why? The doctor clearly said there isn’t much we can do to improve our odds or egg quality minus smoking and limiting caffeine. Sooooo….why?
A brief nutshell of our post failure appointment= doc said I responded excellent to stims. Retrieved 9, 7 fertilized, transferred 1 blast and 2 cavitating morulae. Why didn’t it implant? Maybe it did. Why didn’t it stay put? Don’t know. Doc said usually his follow appointments with a woman who is 39 consists of “you didn’t respond-not many eggs retrieved-quality not good-low fertilization-blah blah blah” so with that being said, he doesn’t want to change anything with our protocol. He is was very happy with my response and the other doctors on his board agree. He said compare it to baseball. Your swing is great. You have great form. You just need to get up and swing again and hope the ball “connects”. So now we wait until July and I will call with period #3. Hope this is the answer. Hope we get some embryos that make it to freeze this time. We have 2 fresh 2 frozen cycles with our Attain program. We aren’t going to get those 2 frozen if something doesn’t give. I’m scared to death of failure and not getting an addition to our family. I asked about royal jelly, sweet potatoes, and all the other house wife tales. Doctor said there is no scientific evidence to support those helping. He did say stay away from evening primrose as it can mess up hormone levels. Noted-but wasn’t planning on taking it. Just keep up on prenatal vitamins, eat protein rich healthy diet like any “normal” person should eat, and exercise moderately for 30 minutes a day. None of these really affect IVF but don’t hurt and benefit my health in the meantime. So I will keep plugging away. I’m tired of grabbing the bat for nothing. I am ready for our home run. I don’t want to strike out twice.

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Going Nuts. Want to Give Up.

I quit caffeine, nicotine, crap foods, red meat (maybe once a week)… But why? Why am I choking down 2 liters of water a day? Supplements, vitamins, greens, upped veggies and fruits, royal jelly…blah blah blah. WHY???!!!!! is there ANY guarantee this crap is going to make a difference on our 2nd cycle? Hellllllllll no it doesn’t. Is a Dr.Pepper and a Big Mac going to ruin our chances at conceiving? Doubtful.
But do I give in to every possible Chinese or tree hugging philosophy? Yep. Does it convince me? No. Do I hope it helps? Sure. Do I WANT to do all this? Not at all! Why should I have to? Hundreds, thousands, hell, possibly millions of women are getting knocked up while they throw back a few tall boys, suck down shots of Jameson, smoke some crack, weed, whatever.

And. They. Still. Get. Pregnant.

I’m just starting to 2nd guess everything I do before I do it. But why? Nobody really knows. Well, women who want a baby knows why. Even if it doesn’t work I guess I can be “happy” knowing that I gave it my all. At the same time I will probably be beyond pissed if it doesn’t work. I envision a negative result being read to me over the phone followed by me slamming phone (well very angrily pressing the “end call” button” followed by a 48 hour cuss word and tears festival as to why I believed eating all of that crap would help. Why I gave up anything somewhat enjoyable for this. Point is- no matter what I vaginally, orally, or subcutaneously put in my body,
chances are at my age it’s out of my hands.
I’ve tried to put together questions for my doctor for the next appointment, but why? He’s gonna nod and try to break stuff down in layman’s terms. And even though he probably won’t answer my question I’m gonna shut up and pretend he did so I don’t look dumb. Don’t get me wrong, my doctor is a very nice man and does not seem like some arrogant jerk who doesn’t care. I’m sure he does. I just don’t know how to relay “DO WHATEVER THE #%€¥ you have to to make this happen!!!” Without looking crazy. It all boils down to the million dollar question of will it work. If it doesn’t, there isn’t an answer always. I’m already betting that he will say embryo quality or failure to implant. Ummmm…DUH. But why? I’m never going to get that answer. So here I sit with a wall of supplements and water around me praying this is worth it. To be honest, I want to throw it ALL into the damn street and just give up. I can’t take it most days to be honest. I feel like my failure to have kids leaves my husband sitting there wishing he had kids. Ya know? Like, “Sorry honey but you deserve a woman who can give you what you deserve.” Of course my husband says for better or for worse and all of that but it doesn’t take the pain away. The burden I feel on my shoulders. He shouldn’t have to bare it. He shouldn’t have to look at all of these fertility bills stacking up. And for what? We don’t know yet. Maybe we just lit a match to all of his hard earned money. It’s this kind of stress that makes me want to give up. It’s thinking about another failed IVF cycle that makes me want to give up. But I can’t. I truly want a child of my own. I want my husband to look down into the eyes of his child. Is that wrong? Yeah we can adopt (not really because this IVF crap will leave us in a financial spot where adoption won’t be possible until funds come back). I really could scream. I want to give up. But I can’t. But I want to. But I won’t. I am not happy and wish I could find that part of me again. That part of me that was SO hopeful and excited for our first IVF cycle. That hope of walking around wondering if I was pregnant. Not next time. Not even going there. Why build up for nothing? I feel helpless no matter how hard I try. I feel sorry for my husband because there is nothing he can do (other then find a fertile woman). I cry often and laugh very little, if any lately. I don’t hate life and have no desire to “end it all”. Please don’t get me wrong on that. But at the same time I don’t see the point in carrying on a life I didn’t choose. Not dying. Just living a life I don’t want. Everything I have done or chosen is for the life I want. Yet I still don’t have it. Half there. Have the husband who’d do anything for me, great friends, supportive family, adorable pets, roof over my head. But you know what’s missing? Yea. Me too. That is the ONLY thing that keeps me from 100% giving up. Almost half way there on that too though.

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