No different than any of you

Scrolling through everybody’s blogs I can’t help but notice how we are all the same. Maybe I’m different in one way. I’m negative. I’ve tried the positive approach and it didn’t help the first IVF. Am I the only one? I’ve prayed and pictured myself pregnant. That didn’t work. A friend suggested I manifest my positive outcome by doing something like prepare the nursery. I’m just so afraid to look at an empty pointless room if it doesn’t work. Even the doctor said I have to believe but I tried that. It is so hard to not focus on the negative “what ifs”.
I’ve spent numerous hours googling discussion boards and obsess over things I could do that would help our success rate increase. After talking to the doctor he pretty much said that while they did get the BFP, chances are it is mere coincidence vs. a result of…..
So what do I do different? Nothing. All I can do is hope and make healthy choices for my body and create the “perfect” place for a baby to grow. Does anybody have advice on how to get past the negativity? I pray pray pray. I know God has a plan but seriously…I am 39!!! How old does he want me to be? Is his plan for us to go broke trying? Or is he trying to tell us to quit spending all of our money on fertility because we aren’t meant to be parents? These questions may be answered. I don’t know. All I know is that I am grasping at straws and terrified of the IVF #2 outcome. If we get another BFN I don’t know what we will do. A fundraiser to raise money for another go around with donor eggs? Or do we move on to private adoption?
In regards to adoption, I understand all children deserve a home but we prefer an infant. Mainly because I want to have the chance to grow with that child and be known as
Mom. I want the chance to stay up all night and pull my hair out from no sleep. I want to watch that child take it’s first steps, smile for the first time, say it’s first words. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. As for now, all I can do is hope my husband and I are capable of creating a life. I will try to remain positive over the course of the next 3 months before my stims start and the excitement and hustle of all of my appointments keeping me too busy to think. I will also blog about it to people I don’t know. My main point of this blog adventure- to understand that I am normal and no different from any of you. Maybe along the way I will find my answer of “how to” from women who have come so very close to giving up before they got their miracle.

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