This is a picture of our super creative shirt we came up with for our fundraiser. Some people may find our name with a family tree to be a bit boring or corny. So we kept it boring 🙂
If anything, we hope that a stranger may read the shirt and say “Whyyyyyy???” And that my friends is how word of mouth may begin to travel. Fingers crossed this helps us even a tiny bit!!!!
Is it just me that gets sad looking at everybody’s Facebook and Twitter posts of their adorable kids dressed in Sunday’s best hunting for eggs? I wish my egg hunts consisted of cute kids and wandering through a field vs. dildo cams, injections, and needle retrieval. Maybe it was the landslide of pictures that fell on my lap, of said cute kids waking to their awesome Easter baskets, that made me sad when I opened my browser. All I know is when we DO have a child… He/she shall be spoiled rotten on such occasions. Until then, I shall mope and wish that were me.
Today marks the day of a miracle. A man who died on a cross for our sins rose from the dead and made many people believers. I believe. I just don’t always understand. Thank you God for my family, friends, and everything I may have to be happy for. I may not have a baby yet but I am thankful to be alive and bitching about it. I just pray that we may have our own miracle some day.
We are financially stable and hoping IVF #2 works but we are planning ahead in case we have to do further IVF cycles or if we decide to adopt. If IVF#2 works then the money will help pay off the enormous mountain of bills we get in a monthly basis. So here is our little shirt. We are trying to think of a funny one too. If you are looking for ideas go to booster.com and create your own shirt! It’s easy, free, and fun. We can only pray this helps us with our goal of having a baby some day.
If you want to help spread the word or buy a shirt for some poor saps who can’t have kids that you’ve never met in your life… Then go to www.booster.com/norby and order yourself this awesome shirt. The husband is trying to think of a funny tongue in cheek one for some goofball friends of ours to wear proudly. Hope this helps us and I hope this idea may help other people raise money for themselves as well.
Scrolling through everybody’s blogs I can’t help but notice how we are all the same. Maybe I’m different in one way. I’m negative. I’ve tried the positive approach and it didn’t help the first IVF. Am I the only one? I’ve prayed and pictured myself pregnant. That didn’t work. A friend suggested I manifest my positive outcome by doing something like prepare the nursery. I’m just so afraid to look at an empty pointless room if it doesn’t work. Even the doctor said I have to believe but I tried that. It is so hard to not focus on the negative “what ifs”.
I’ve spent numerous hours googling discussion boards and obsess over things I could do that would help our success rate increase. After talking to the doctor he pretty much said that while they did get the BFP, chances are it is mere coincidence vs. a result of…..
So what do I do different? Nothing. All I can do is hope and make healthy choices for my body and create the “perfect” place for a baby to grow. Does anybody have advice on how to get past the negativity? I pray pray pray. I know God has a plan but seriously…I am 39!!! How old does he want me to be? Is his plan for us to go broke trying? Or is he trying to tell us to quit spending all of our money on fertility because we aren’t meant to be parents? These questions may be answered. I don’t know. All I know is that I am grasping at straws and terrified of the IVF #2 outcome. If we get another BFN I don’t know what we will do. A fundraiser to raise money for another go around with donor eggs? Or do we move on to private adoption?
In regards to adoption, I understand all children deserve a home but we prefer an infant. Mainly because I want to have the chance to grow with that child and be known as
Mom. I want the chance to stay up all night and pull my hair out from no sleep. I want to watch that child take it’s first steps, smile for the first time, say it’s first words. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. As for now, all I can do is hope my husband and I are capable of creating a life. I will try to remain positive over the course of the next 3 months before my stims start and the excitement and hustle of all of my appointments keeping me too busy to think. I will also blog about it to people I don’t know. My main point of this blog adventure- to understand that I am normal and no different from any of you. Maybe along the way I will find my answer of “how to” from women who have come so very close to giving up before they got their miracle.
Waiting out 2 cycles continuing my new approach to wise health choices. No smoking, supplements, better diet, exercise (even though it am a healthy weight) to give ourselves a “better” chance at round 2 of IVF. Why? The doctor clearly said there isn’t much we can do to improve our odds or egg quality minus smoking and limiting caffeine. Sooooo….why?
A brief nutshell of our post failure appointment= doc said I responded excellent to stims. Retrieved 9, 7 fertilized, transferred 1 blast and 2 cavitating morulae. Why didn’t it implant? Maybe it did. Why didn’t it stay put? Don’t know. Doc said usually his follow appointments with a woman who is 39 consists of “you didn’t respond-not many eggs retrieved-quality not good-low fertilization-blah blah blah” so with that being said, he doesn’t want to change anything with our protocol. He is was very happy with my response and the other doctors on his board agree. He said compare it to baseball. Your swing is great. You have great form. You just need to get up and swing again and hope the ball “connects”. So now we wait until July and I will call with period #3. Hope this is the answer. Hope we get some embryos that make it to freeze this time. We have 2 fresh 2 frozen cycles with our Attain program. We aren’t going to get those 2 frozen if something doesn’t give. I’m scared to death of failure and not getting an addition to our family. I asked about royal jelly, sweet potatoes, and all the other house wife tales. Doctor said there is no scientific evidence to support those helping. He did say stay away from evening primrose as it can mess up hormone levels. Noted-but wasn’t planning on taking it. Just keep up on prenatal vitamins, eat protein rich healthy diet like any “normal” person should eat, and exercise moderately for 30 minutes a day. None of these really affect IVF but don’t hurt and benefit my health in the meantime. So I will keep plugging away. I’m tired of grabbing the bat for nothing. I am ready for our home run. I don’t want to strike out twice.
I quit caffeine, nicotine, crap foods, red meat (maybe once a week)… But why? Why am I choking down 2 liters of water a day? Supplements, vitamins, greens, upped veggies and fruits, royal jelly…blah blah blah. WHY???!!!!! is there ANY guarantee this crap is going to make a difference on our 2nd cycle? Hellllllllll no it doesn’t. Is a Dr.Pepper and a Big Mac going to ruin our chances at conceiving? Doubtful.
But do I give in to every possible Chinese or tree hugging philosophy? Yep. Does it convince me? No. Do I hope it helps? Sure. Do I WANT to do all this? Not at all! Why should I have to? Hundreds, thousands, hell, possibly millions of women are getting knocked up while they throw back a few tall boys, suck down shots of Jameson, smoke some crack, weed, whatever.
And. They. Still. Get. Pregnant.
I’m just starting to 2nd guess everything I do before I do it. But why? Nobody really knows. Well, women who want a baby knows why. Even if it doesn’t work I guess I can be “happy” knowing that I gave it my all. At the same time I will probably be beyond pissed if it doesn’t work. I envision a negative result being read to me over the phone followed by me slamming phone (well very angrily pressing the “end call” button” followed by a 48 hour cuss word and tears festival as to why I believed eating all of that crap would help. Why I gave up anything somewhat enjoyable for this. Point is- no matter what I vaginally, orally, or subcutaneously put in my body,
chances are at my age it’s out of my hands.
I’ve tried to put together questions for my doctor for the next appointment, but why? He’s gonna nod and try to break stuff down in layman’s terms. And even though he probably won’t answer my question I’m gonna shut up and pretend he did so I don’t look dumb. Don’t get me wrong, my doctor is a very nice man and does not seem like some arrogant jerk who doesn’t care. I’m sure he does. I just don’t know how to relay “DO WHATEVER THE #%€¥ you have to to make this happen!!!” Without looking crazy. It all boils down to the million dollar question of will it work. If it doesn’t, there isn’t an answer always. I’m already betting that he will say embryo quality or failure to implant. Ummmm…DUH. But why? I’m never going to get that answer. So here I sit with a wall of supplements and water around me praying this is worth it. To be honest, I want to throw it ALL into the damn street and just give up. I can’t take it most days to be honest. I feel like my failure to have kids leaves my husband sitting there wishing he had kids. Ya know? Like, “Sorry honey but you deserve a woman who can give you what you deserve.” Of course my husband says for better or for worse and all of that but it doesn’t take the pain away. The burden I feel on my shoulders. He shouldn’t have to bare it. He shouldn’t have to look at all of these fertility bills stacking up. And for what? We don’t know yet. Maybe we just lit a match to all of his hard earned money. It’s this kind of stress that makes me want to give up. It’s thinking about another failed IVF cycle that makes me want to give up. But I can’t. I truly want a child of my own. I want my husband to look down into the eyes of his child. Is that wrong? Yeah we can adopt (not really because this IVF crap will leave us in a financial spot where adoption won’t be possible until funds come back). I really could scream. I want to give up. But I can’t. But I want to. But I won’t. I am not happy and wish I could find that part of me again. That part of me that was SO hopeful and excited for our first IVF cycle. That hope of walking around wondering if I was pregnant. Not next time. Not even going there. Why build up for nothing? I feel helpless no matter how hard I try. I feel sorry for my husband because there is nothing he can do (other then find a fertile woman). I cry often and laugh very little, if any lately. I don’t hate life and have no desire to “end it all”. Please don’t get me wrong on that. But at the same time I don’t see the point in carrying on a life I didn’t choose. Not dying. Just living a life I don’t want. Everything I have done or chosen is for the life I want. Yet I still don’t have it. Half there. Have the husband who’d do anything for me, great friends, supportive family, adorable pets, roof over my head. But you know what’s missing? Yea. Me too. That is the ONLY thing that keeps me from 100% giving up. Almost half way there on that too though.
I’m hoping that this little blog somehow reaches across the vast internet and touches at LEAST one person going through the same struggles I am facing. In a nutshell- I have unexplained infertility (I guess? My body makes the eggs but that’s about it) and my husband and I have resorted to IVF to have a child. For those who don’t know what IVF is, in vitro fertilization is a process where doctors take follicles from my body (which sucks and is painful) and they combine those with my husband’s swimmers and watch them develop in a Petri dish until they feel they are ready to return home (my uterus). We then have to wait two weeks to find out if the embryos decided to hang out and grow. Unfortunately, our 1st attempt was a big fat negative (BFN).
A friend of mine (known as Z) has a theory that maybe those embryos would’ve grown up to be male strippers so maybe it’s best it didn’t work. At least she managed the 1st smile out of me since the BFN. I can tell you that there are several things a woman does NOT want to hear when dealing with such a heartbreak.
1. “Think positive” really? While there are moments of doubt and you prep yourself for all the nasty what ifs so you aren’t completely shattered if you get a BFN, positive thinking is one of the few things I do have to TRY and muster up sanity. There are a few friends I will allow to get away with saying this but only because I love them dearly and that is the type of positive people they are.
2. “If it’s meant to be…” Worst thing ever to say to a woman like me. I am not 16 wishing a boy liked me. I am a woman who wants to have a child. It SHOULD be “meant to be” as that is what a woman SHOULD be able to do.
3. “Be thankful for what you do have” yep. I get that. And I am very thankful for my friends, family, and husband who have put up with my horrible mood swings (awesome side effect from my daily injections of hormones). I don’t need to be reminded that some people have less. What is hard is looking at that spare bedroom that SHOULD be a nursery. I’m thankful I have a home with more than 1 bedroom but I am not thankful that I can’t seem to fill it with more than house plants and the boxes of new bathroom amenities that husband plans to use for a remodel project (there’s a whole other blog).
4. “You’re doing too much! Worry about just you” if I did that I would go insane. The world does not stop spinning just because I am doing IVF. Friends still need baby showers, dinners still need cooked, dogs still need love, work still goes (although I am considering a vacation following next attempt). What I need to focus on is lowering my stress levels. Easier said then done.
5. “Chin up!” Maybe in time. But the initial shock of NOPE it didn’t work is the last thing that’s gonna raise my chin. Grief is different for everybody. I’m not going to go dancing after this news. I’m going to cower in a corner for a good 48 hours and pray to God as to why it didn’t work the 1st time.
6. “It takes a lot of couples more than 1 try at IVF for success.” So. A lot of them got it the first try too. Some never get it. I am still victim to the “it may or may not work”.
Things that are ok to say.
1. “I’m sorry there are no words” nope there isn’t a single word you could say to make me smile (except that maybe they would’ve grown up to be male strippers)
2. “I’ll pray for you” aka “sending you good vibes”. I’ll take em. Can’t hurt!
3. “If there is anything you need” there won’t be but thanks for offering.
4. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” Probably not. Especially if you’re holding your toddler on your lap while you send me that message. That is way more appropriate than “I know how you must feel”.
So now my body is in a break and we sit down with the doctor in 2 weeks to review everything from our 1st attempt. In about a month I will get to hop on the magical medicine ride again and spread my legs for numerous transvaginal ultrasounds. (Sorry if that is TMI but it is the ugly truth I have to endure). I also have the pleasure of driving 2 hours both ways for a ridiculous number of appointments and have my blood drawn every week by people who never seem to be able to find my veins. So for now, there is our story. I’ll keep you posted on my ups and downs along the way and hope that maybe a stranger can relate or that friends may learn to understand that this is NOT fun. Until then, all we can do is keep trying, hoping, praying, meditating, begging, and pleading for a child (or two).
Over and out